Ask me anything about the Soviet Union/ Former Soviet States

[Baron Von PWN]

As many of you may know I have what might be considered an unhealthy obsession about Russia. Inspired by the recent Ask threads Ask me anything about the Soviet Union or Russia and I will give my best answer without the use of outside sources. Just a heads up questions about language will be poorly answered at best.

As an added bonus I will also tell you where I think you would fit within Stalinist Russia at the height of the purges.


* Edit*

I feel I should point out that I am not a Russian. I am a Canadian who is currently (and since june) learning Russian in St.Petersburg. I am also nearing completion of a Bachelors degree in "European and Russian Studies: Concentration in Russian and Eurasian studies" and I avidly read any material I get my hands on about Russia and the Soviet Union, which is why I feel competent answering questions.

The reason I'm adding this edit is because some people have sent me PMs or wall posts with the assumption I'm actually Russian, I don't want to pretend I have the same understanding of Russian society or culture as a native would.

[naxus]

On what day and how old was Lenin when he died?

[mviola]

How many square miles does russia occupy?

I'll think of another since I just can't right now

[the.killing.44]

Stalin's pet name for his right testicle?

[saxitoxin]

PWN, I'm actually quite legitimately interested in what role the reformed Cossack hosts are playing in the Federation armed forces? As I don't read Russian I'm limited to western sources which make vague references that the Hosts are being reorganized and receiving arms and munitions from the Federation.

I only know much of this as I recall seeing a brief news item 2-3 years ago that some Cossack battle regalia was being returned to Russia from the United States ... that the joint American-Czechoslovak pro-Tsarist intervention forces during the October Revolution had been given it by the Cossacks to move out of the country for safekeeping.

Do you have information or can you illuminate? Even if you don't have this information off the top of your head I would still be keen to know more if you can find out. You, verily, may be the only non-Russian language source for this information.

[Queen_Herpes]

Who is more macho?

a. Lenin
b. Karl Marx (ok, he isn't russian)
c. Stalin (At this point, he isn't Russian anymore since Georgia is its own nation, right?)
d. Trotsky
e. Tschaikovsky

Please be prepared to let me know if any of my choices are from the Ukraine.

[muy_thaiguy]

Are the "In Soviet Russia" jokes all true?

[Metsfanmax]

Better yet, in Soviet Russia, does government ask anything about you?

[jefjef]

How do most Russians really view Americans?

Where are the missing Russian nukes?

[natty dread]

Why did the Russians suck so badly at the winter war?

[angola]

Are Russians sad they no longer control the Eastern Bloc?

[natty dread]

How do you win at russian roulette?

[tzor]

OK if you want a question ... I have a question.

What is the most popular brand of Vodka in Russia and where does it come from.

What is your most favorite brand for that matter ...

[Army of GOD]

What is my favorite Tchaikovsky piece?

If you answer incorrectly, I demand this thread be locked.

[safariguy5]

How many people did the KGB kill?

[InkL0sed]

How do you win at russian roulette?

Ask Christopher Walken.

[Baron Von PWN]

This got a much larger response than I expected! Well time to start answering!

How many people did the KGB kill?

If we are counting the KGB since it was called the KGB and not its various predecessors, so from Krushchev onwards I would give an educated guess of in the mid to low thousands . Post Stalin the Soviets were far more likely to simply exile or imprison dissidents.

If we are counting the KGB's predecessors (The Checka, NKVD and NKGB) The number is astronomically high probably in the order of 30-40 million (this number depending on which historian you consult could either be a vast overestimate or even an underestimate). It is very difficult to know with any real degree of certainty as many of the relevant documents are unsurprisingly top secret and the early Soviet Union wasn't very meticulous in its record keeping.

Due to not knowing you very well I can't give a very accurate guess of how you would fit in Stalinist Russia, but your interest in the KGB leads me to beleive you would likely be in the state security apparatus. A very prestigious but dangerous position, you know exactly what the State is up to! Chance of survival till Khrushchev: very low

What is my favorite Tchaikovsky piece?

If you answer incorrectly, I demand this thread be locked.

I know very little about Tchaikovsky, So I will say the one which has all the classical instruments in it.

AOG; I see you as an average citizen normally this is the safest position to be in due to your cog like insignificance to the soviet scheme of things. However you joking and humorous manner would likely get you reported and then disappeared. Chance of survival till Khrushchev: low

OK if you want a question ... I have a question.

What is the most popular brand of Vodka in Russia and where does it come from.

What is your most favorite brand for that matter ...

This is a tough question, I would guess the most popular brand is "moskivoskaya" or "Stolichnaya" there is allot of competition in the Vodka market so its hard to say if one is bigger than the others.

My favorite Vodka is "Russkii Standard"

Tzor; You enjoy a good debate and have a general dislike of big government; therefore I suspect your most likely position within Stalinist Russia would be a starving Ukrainian anarchist. Chance of survival till Khrushchev: nearing 0.

How do you win at russian roulette?

Inklosed gave a pretty good answer. However Russian roulette is played with a revolver with only one round chambered. The players spin the chamber point the gun at their head and pull the trigger, if the round goes off they lose everybody else wins. Alternatively the one who shoots themselves wins and everybody else loses for being stuck in Soviet Russia longer.

Natty_Dread; I picture you as a regular average joe, this means you would have quite likely been conscripted and thrown into the firestorm of the western front. Chance of survival till Khrushchev: you're probably already dead.

Are Russians sad they no longer control the Eastern Bloc?

Russian's are much more likely to be sad about the loss of the Soviet Union rather than the Eastern bloc.There is a disappointment in certain circles at the loss of Russian influence in the world and Russia's reduced global stature, the loss of the Eastern bloc is a part of that. This is more common among older Russians who can remember the soviet union the younger generation doesn't really care all that much.

Angola: I don't know much about you so I will assume you will be an average citizen who engages in the daily toil for the glory of the motherland. Chance of survival till Khrushchev: Not bad

Why did the Russians suck so badly at the winter war?

There are allot of reasons. Some of the big ones; The fins were much better prepared, The war mattered allot more to the fins, The purge of red army officers had recently cleared out most of the professional officers in the Red Army leaving political hacks, Soviet soldiers were badly equipped for winter fighting (no skis, little winter camouflage, supply problems), Soviet troops were badly trained, the Soviets had poor mission planing and the soviets had very bad moral.

Once they started getting too embarrassed they found some more professional officers who did the smart thing and encircled the finish defense line, they also had much better planning by the end of the war.

See your other question for how well you would do in Stalinist Russia.

How do most Russians really view Americans?

Where are the missing Russian nukes?

I haven't met any Russians who were all that unfriendly towards individual Americans,though there is quite a bit of hostility towards American foreign policy and government. Where I have heard of Russians being unfriendly towards Americans its in the context of American policy. Again the younger generation is much more likely to be friendly/ambivalent towards Americans.

As far as I know all the Russian nukes have been tracked down with the help of American, British and Canadian agencies. What is less certain is that they have tracked down all of their nuclear material, even less certain are all the Chemical and biological weapons the Soviets had stockpiled. Where would missing things have gone? Nearly impossible to tell, whoever would want to buy them most likely.

Fortunately many of the people working in these storage facilities were highly educated scientists, had a great amount of loyalty to the Soviet union and a high degree of social responsibility so most were very honorable people and were unlikely to sell such dangerous things.

JefJef; I see you as a Soviet military officer, the professional variety. So depending on whether you were promoted during the war or as a result of the revolutionary war your chances of survival can vary quite a bit. Chance of survival till Khrushchev: moderately low- very low

Better yet, in Soviet Russia, does government ask anything about you?

Depending on your position and prominence in Soviet society they either ask allot of questions about you or not care about you at all.

MetsFanmax; I see you as an average Soviet citizen; Chance of survival till Khrushchev: moderately good

Are the "In Soviet Russia" jokes all true?

Unfortunately no. The most accurate one I've heard is "In soviet Russia party finds you!"

Muy_Thaiguy; Your martial prowess would be very highly prized in the NKVD or state athletics; If you were in the NKVD your chances are pretty bad is you were a state sponsored athlete who did not talk about politics pretty good! so Chance of survival till Khrushchev: very low- pretty good.

Who is more macho?

a. Lenin
b. Karl Marx (ok, he isn't russian)
c. Stalin (At this point, he isn't Russian anymore since Georgia is its own nation, right?)
d. Trotsky
e. Tschaikovsky

Please be prepared to let me know if any of my choices are from the Ukraine.

I would say Trotsky is the most Macho of the people you list there. Purely because he was instrumental in turning the Revolutionary army into a fighting force that could actually win.

As to your comment on Stalin, he was indeed Georgian but this would have been acknowledged even in the Soviet Union due to the various Socialist republics being autonomous ethnic units united in Socialist fraternity.

You are a woman so this greatly increases your chances of survival since you wouldn't be subject to the draft,You would probably be working in a factory somewhere which doesn't hurt however you are also pretty outspoken this greatly increases your chances of being reported. Your chances of survival until Khrushchev; moderate

PWN, I'm actually quite legitimately interested in what role the reformed Cossack hosts are playing in the Federation armed forces? As I don't read Russian I'm limited to western sources which make vague references that the Hosts are being reorganized and receiving arms and munitions from the Federation.

I only know much of this as I recall seeing a brief news item 2-3 years ago that some Cossack battle regalia was being returned to Russia from the United States ... that the joint American-Czechoslovak pro-Tsarist intervention forces during the October Revolution had been given it by the Cossacks to move out of the country for safekeeping.

Do you have information or can you illuminate? Even if you don't have this information off the top of your head I would still be keen to know more if you can find out. You, verily, may be the only non-Russian language source for this information.

Unfortunately my Russian is still pretty limited and I can't read at the level of History books or documents yet, So I'm afraid I can't give you a very good answer. I'll tell you what I know/think though.

Most of the Cossacks are actually in Ukraine so I imagine they play a significant role in the Ukrainian military considering their historic martial background. The cossacks were actually used in the Soviet military as well despite them being some of the fiercest opponents of the Bolsheviks. Though their use in the Soviet military was more as specific ethnic regiments rather than the way they were used in the Imperial period.

I believe the Cossack are treated as guards units within the Russian forces. If I am correct this would mean they are treated as elite units within the Russian army. At most they might make up a Regiment however whatever their position it would certainly be within the standard military Hierarchy
it may also interest you to know that in the south they are seen as a way to combat Muslim influences and as a result the Russian government has given Cossacks administrative and policing powers.

Saxi; I see you as 1 of two things but can't be totally sure. You would either be a fairly high ranking party official or a fairly high ranking bureaucrat, both come with their perks and dangers with the party official postilion being significantly more dangerous it would depend on how good you are at party politics I suspect good. Chances of survival till Khrushchev; moderately good

Stalin's pet name for his right testicle?

Engels.

The.Killing.44; For some reason I see you as a Ukrainian peasant, therefore you are a great risk of either starving to death or being conscripted as cannon fodder.Chances of surviving till Khrushchev;pretty low.

How many square miles does russia occupy?

I'll think of another since I just can't right now

A whole lot, about a 7th of the earths surface, I can't tell you exactly how many without cheating.

Mviola; You would have been a Siberian peasant, you might not have even heard the Tsar abdicated the throne, there is a good chance you would be conscripted anyways so chances of survival till Khrushchev: moderate.

On what day and how old was Lenin when he died?

Unfortunately I am not an encyclopedia so I can't say for sure. I think he was in his 50's though.

Naxus; You would have been a faceless bureaucrat obsessed with the minute errors in paper work, also the most powerful force in Russia. chances of survival until Khrushchev: good.

[muy_thaiguy]

Is it true that Stalin was actually a masochistic furry in private that had a fetish for trannies?

[Baron Von PWN]

Is it true that Stalin was actually a masochistic furry in private that had a fetish for trannies?

Never heard that one, so I'm going to go with no.

Laverenti Beria is thought to have been pedophile though.

[muy_thaiguy]

Is it true that Stalin was actually a masochistic furry in private that had a fetish for trannies?

Never heard that one, so I'm going to go with no.

Laverenti Beria is thought to have been pedophile though.

It was released after the Berlin Wall came down.

[Joodoo]

Would Stalin be considered "short" compared to other Soviet people?

[Baron Von PWN]

Would Stalin be considered "short" compared to other Soviet people?

He certainly wasn't tall but I don't think he was particularly short. However he made few public appearances because of his pockmarked face and the first time he addressed the Soviet Union by radio was when the Nazis invaded due to his difficulty with Russian word endings.

Joodoo; You would be a low level party member you might head your local workers committee;Chance of survival till Khrushchev: not bad.

[King Doctor]

On a scale of one to absurdly, how hot are real life Russian femmes?

[Baron Von PWN]

On a scale of one to absurdly, how hot are real life Russian femmes?

Not having met any Russian Femmes (feminine lesbians) I can't say for sure. However if they are consistent with other Russian women I would say 7.5 whereas in Canada it would be 6. The thing that doese it for the Russians is they don't have any monstrous fatsos which we have a few of in Canada so they really weigh down the Canadian number while the Russians don't get the same disadvantage.

King doctor; you would of course be a Soviet doctor, however there is a chance you would be accused of wrecking if you ever let someone die. Chance of survival until Khrushchev:moderately good

[saxitoxin]

Good answers, PWN. I learned much - not just about my question - but about others, as well.

However, I would not have been an apparatchik as ol' Saxi is in absolute solidarity with the farmers and workers and anxiously toils in the fields and factories to build a more prosperous future for the community of communities.