my novel (in progress)

[InkL0sed]

Last year was my third year. Ironically, I've been writing less and less each time. The first year was the only time I won.

lol, good luck in the next year. Are you going to do the sprict frenzy in June?

I'm not into script writing really...

[Fircoal]

Last year was my third year. Ironically, I've been writing less and less each time. The first year was the only time I won.

lol, good luck in the next year. Are you going to do the sprict frenzy in June?

I'm not into script writing really...

meh, for me it doesn't matter how I write. Usually I make the scripts more insane, and the reg, more detailed and such. But still insane.

[InkL0sed]

Last year was my third year. Ironically, I've been writing less and less each time. The first year was the only time I won.

lol, good luck in the next year. Are you going to do the sprict frenzy in June?

I'm not into script writing really...

meh, for me it doesn't matter how I write. Usually I make the scripts more insane, and the reg, more detailed and such. But still insane.

My second time around was completely a dare novel. Insane would be an understatement for that one

[Fircoal]

Last year was my third year. Ironically, I've been writing less and less each time. The first year was the only time I won.

lol, good luck in the next year. Are you going to do the sprict frenzy in June?

I'm not into script writing really...

meh, for me it doesn't matter how I write. Usually I make the scripts more insane, and the reg, more detailed and such. But still insane.

My second time around was completely a dare novel. Insane would be an understatement for that one

I want to read it. ^_^

[the wizard]

Interesting interesting just read through it....but going with your first post how does my reading it online get you money?

[InkL0sed]

Last year was my third year. Ironically, I've been writing less and less each time. The first year was the only time I won.

lol, good luck in the next year. Are you going to do the sprict frenzy in June?

I'm not into script writing really...

meh, for me it doesn't matter how I write. Usually I make the scripts more insane, and the reg, more detailed and such. But still insane.

My second time around was completely a dare novel. Insane would be an understatement for that one

I want to read it. ^_^

I added you as a buddy at the site. I can also PM you the first chapter or something, if you're serious about wanting to read my dare novel.

[Hitman079]

the discussion has steered away to...RIVAL NOVELS

[Hitman079]

does anyone have any feedback/suggestions/ comments for me?

[Dariune]

I had a quick skim over the first page and i like what i read. I will read it in more detail tonight.

I am also writing a book though i dont claim to have any skill in it.

Whatever the opinions keep going at it mate, its a good thing to be doing

[MeDeFe]

does anyone have any feedback/suggestions/ comments for me?

I must admit I haven't read very much of your story yet, just the first two chapters, but I'll give you a few pointers that might or might not be helpful anyway.

Use words that fit, arrows don't "materialize", especially not when the archers are mentioned 2 sentences later.
Don't be afraid of strong verbs, "to slink" goes "slink, slunk, slunk"
Also don't be afraid of gender pronouns, one applicant is not "their". 'His' or 'her' will do fine, just decide which sex you want your victim to be.
I think it's usually bad form to use the protagonists name too often, especially if noone else has been mentioned between two uses, if he does one thing in one sentence and then something happens to him in the next, use 'he', it's not a dirty word, after a few "hes" you can use his name again, though, because too many "hes" is bad form as well, it's mostly about balancing things out.
Check your grammatical constructions again, "but now also increased was the danger of...", is correct, but contrasts too starkly with the language you used before.
In a hectic situation, fast sentences do the best job of conveying the right feeling. "To his horror, he could smell copper- which only meant he had slipped on the newly-made corpse's blood." is already somewhat too long imo, "Horrified, he could smell something like copper - he had slipped in the fresh corpse's blood." says exactly the same thing but you save yourself half a sentence of whichs and means, which add nothing to the plot or the mood.


The last point holds for practically everything, see if you can find any pronouns, conjunctions, disjunctions and in general words that only have a grammatical meaning that aren't absolutely necessary, and rewrite the sentence without them. They make for tedious reading.
Here's one example: "Silas was surprised, not by the threat on his life itself, but the simple presence of the weapon." Leave out 'itself', it doesn't add anything to the sentence, also, I think it's "threat against" and I would add a "by" in the last part since it's a separate subordinate clause and not grammatically dependent on "not by ... life itself".
Sure, this is only a small example but they tend to add up, so the fewer of them the better.
So: "Silas was surprised, not by the threat against his life, but by the simple presence of the weapon."

It's just a small change, but I feel that it's slightly easier to read. Multiply a slight improvement by 10000 sentences in a relatively short story and you end up with quite a lot. In literature, the details really DO matter.

I've read a quote that goes along the lines of "a long book is usually long because the author didn't have the time to make it short". It might be something to take to heart.

[Hitman079]

so, just the grammar's ditzy in some parts? what about the story itself..any inconsistencies i should take care of and etc.?
thanks for the tips MeDeFe, i'll try to go over it again sometime.

[Hitman079]

bump-de-bump

[Hitman079]

I SAID, BUMP!

[kalishnikov]

reading, will post thoughts later. we need a thread for this type of thing, I know a few here writing books.