Conquer Club

Based on the classic Monty Python bit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0

The rules are simple. The first poster plays the role of the customer and requests a particular variety of cheese. The next poster plays the part of the shopkeeper who must offer an excuse as to why he does not have any of the requested cheese. The third poster will again play the customer requesting a different variety of cheese, and so forth and so on. For example:

Customer: May I have some Camembert.

Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, the cat has eaten all the Camembert.

The idea is to keep it going for as long as possible without repeating a variety of cheese or an excuse.

Customer: May I have 6 ounces of Havarti?

StiffMittens wrote:Customer: May I have 6 ounces of Havarti?

Shopkeeper: My apologies we were robbed, by an international gang of cheese thieves, and all they stole was the Havarti.

May I have some Munster?

Martin Ronne wrote:May I have some Munster?

Shopkeeper: Terribly sorry but our Münster cheese distributor recently admitted that his entire empire was one elaborate cheese ponzi scheme and that he never in fact had any cheese to distribute. We're looking for a new source, but in the mean time we don't have any Münster.

Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear of your terrible luck.
Might I have some smoked swiss instead?

Thank God for Monty Python.

oVo wrote:Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear of your terrible luck.
Might I have some smoked swiss instead?

Shopkeeper: You know my first wife was Swiss. After she committed suicide by suffocating herself in a smokehouse, I just haven't been able to bear the sight of smoked swiss cheese, so I no longer stock it.

Customer: Could I have 23 pounds of your stinkiest limburger?

neanderpaul14 wrote:Customer: Could I have 23 pounds of your stinkiest limburger?

shopkeeper: After last winter's epidemic of frostbite I haven't stocked limbergerin large quantities for the obvious reasons.

customer: Well then, maybe just a small amount will do.

shopkeeper: Excellent, I'll go see what we have.

Customer: On second thought, any less than 23 pounds would not give me the level of aromatic saturation that I desire from the Limburger. So instead fetch me a kilo or two of Feta, if you please.

StiffMittens wrote:Customer: On second thought, any less than 23 pounds would not give me the level of aromatic saturation that I desire from the Limburger. So instead fetch me a kilo or two of Feta, if you please.

Shopkeeper: My apologies ever since Mad-Cow disease people have been eating any goats they can get their hands on. Sadly now there are not enough goats around to make any feta.

In that case, might I trouble you for a little caerphilly?

jonesthecurl wrote:In that case, might I trouble you for a little caerphilly?

Shopkeeper: No you may not because that isn't the name of a cheese, you just made that up.

WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DANCING UP!

Right. Do you by any chance have any venezuelan beaver cheese?

HapSmo19 wrote:Right. Do you by any chance have any venezuelan beaver cheese?

Shopkeeper: Chavez halted all exports of beaver cheese last month as a sanction against all the filthy imperialist dogs. You can still find some black market Venezuelan beaver cheese at the more disreputable shops in the district, but that's not how I run my business. Sorry.

neanderpaul14 wrote:

jonesthecurl wrote:In that case, might I trouble you for a little caerphilly?

Shopkeeper: No you may not because that isn't the name of a cheese, you just made that up.

My goodness, shopkeeper, you are remarkably ignorant on the topic of cheesy comestibles, are you not?
Here, let me enlighten you:
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-caerphilly-cheese.htm

jonesthecurl wrote:

neanderpaul14 wrote:

jonesthecurl wrote:In that case, might I trouble you for a little caerphilly?

Shopkeeper: No you may not because that isn't the name of a cheese, you just made that up.

My goodness, shopkeeper, you are remarkably ignorant on the topic of cheesy comestibles, are you not?
Here, let me enlighten you:
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-caerphilly-cheese.htm

Shopkeeper: And now you have created a fraudulent website to promote your fake cheese.

Very well: since the wonders of caerphilly are beyone your limited comprehension, perhaps you would be so kind as to purvey a few crumbs of wensleydale, so amusingly brought to the popular attention by the televisual antics of Wallace and Gromit?

jonesthecurl wrote:Very well: since the wonders of caerphilly are beyone your limited comprehension, perhaps you would be so kind as to purvey a few crumbs of wensleydale, so amusingly brought to the popular attention by the televisual antics of Wallace and Gromit?

Shopkeeper: I'm sorry we're currently boycotting all products from Hawes, due to their misuse of sheep.

A pity. Perchance a shift of location in our dairy producers might prove efficacious then.
Might I inquire as to the possibility of a smidgen of Manchego, my man?

jonesthecurl wrote:A pity. Perchance a shift of location in our dairy producers might prove efficacious then.
Might I inquire as to the possibility of a smidgen of Manchego, my man?

Shopkeeper: Sadly the ship from La Mancha carrying this months supply took a wrong turn and was captured by Somalian pirates. They are however prepared to ransom off the cheese, if you would like to negotiate with them for some.

Yarg?

shopkeeper: I'm sorry sir, we had a bad infestation of japanese beetles last summer. They had eaten all the nettle leaves. leaving us nothing to wrapped the Yarg in.