SHORT STORY -SEE NEW THREAD

[got tonkaed]

i say meh.

I dont think partisan voting is really that big of an issue here...I just think Fruitcake has written the best two entries so far (and will possibly write a third).

But im not really one to rock the boat.

Are we upping the word limit by any chance (i know we have been pushing it a bit, i was just wondering if it had been officially bumped)

[jiminski]

i say meh.

I dont think partisan voting is really that big of an issue here...I just think Fruitcake has written the best two entries so far (and will possibly write a third).

But im not really one to rock the boat.

Are we upping the word limit by any chance (i know we have been pushing it a bit, i was just wondering if it had been officially bumped)

heheh you are rocking the boat Tonk ... as i would expect.

But perhaps i over-stress the aspect of partisan voting? Fruit is certainly the most polished and accessible writer here, no question!

However, vote by PM ensures that people vote for the text not the writer. i am concerned that the last entry does not get afforded the same attention and chance. For those who dip into the thread but can not allow the time to read all entries, they may vote based on preconceived ideas of the best writer and only skim most entries.
That may be a tiny factor but let's find out.

Anyway, as i say, this may not be the best thing to do but let's do it and find out. we are in the embryo of the tale and thread, let us adapt to find the best way.


As to length, i spoke to you about that before. I have upped the official maximum to 350 or something .. some have moved towards 400 words but i will no longer trim that down.
The main factor for me is to not allow the passages to become to cumbersome. That will alienate the reader and also 'perhaps' lessen those willing to write.
Again we are adapting with each week on that too.

[got tonkaed]

at the very least i have no problem giving the pm thing a shot, it might be a better way to go about it.

350 i think is still pretty reasonable, given that many of the entries last week where leaning toward that long at least.

[Neoteny]

How the f*ck does one go about operating a yacht?

[jiminski]

ahhhhhh the fragility of the tortured artist!

[Neoteny]

ahhhhhh the fragility of the tortured artist!

It's true. I might just have to join in after this segment, unless some sort of major inspiration hits me.

[jiminski]

ahhhhhh the fragility of the tortured artist!

It's true. I might just have to join in after this segment, unless some sort of major inspiration hits me.

hehe .. you could just blow the blasted yacht up in the first sentence and get rid of that expertise? ; ) (heh i may be doing that too)

[jiminski]

Ok budding Minstrels .. get your literary shit together by next Wednesday evening Or there abouts ..

[jiminski]

We already have 3 new entries on page one

[jiminski]

ENTRY 1

Smith stared out at the gorgeous view through his yacht's sliding doors, then looked across the table at Ivan. “So… you’re telling me you’re deliberately permitting a spy to join my service staff? A spy who works for an organization that may well intend to kill me, or attempt to seize control of my business interests in some way? And all this… on top of the security breach in the computer system Johnson found yesterday? What kind of security chief are you, anyway?!?” The two men glared at each other.

As usual, Smith cracked first. He considered himself an excellent poker hand, having practiced his poker face through years of careful business dealings, but Ivan was a rock. And besides, the mere idea that Ivan, his security chief for the past 20 years, would deliberately put him in danger, was too amusing for him to keep a straight face for long. The two men laughed.

“Sounds like fun. Keep me updated on this spy’s actions, and tell Johnson to keep shuffling the code protecting the higher level security files. The breach into the mock mainframe is no big deal, but I don’t want anyone figuring out that our entire organization’s real business is kept on an entirely separate network… and if the hacker gets into our security files, they’ll realize nothing’s there. Give them a few more days, then make like we found the breach and shut them down.” Smith always enjoyed a good game, and this player was relatively new, or they would’ve known not to attempt anything so… over-attempted.

“Oh, and Ivan?” Smith said as his security chief stood to leave.

“Yes, sir?”

“Send… what’s he calling himself this time, Dymock? Send him his usual payment. We wouldn’t want him to forget who really pays his bills, now would we.”

“No, sir.”

[jiminski]

ENTRY 2

It was a balmy 85 degrees as the water taxi made its way through the harbor. Frank Dasher was relaxing, taking in the visual display of rich and poor that Acapulco had to offer.
He was going over in his mind the last minute details of his mission. A couple months ago he was approached by a Geoffrey Dymock , who had heard of Frank’s expertise in Special Reconnaissance. Eight years as a Navy Seal and another 4years in Black Water made Frank a valuable commodity.

The taxi was slowing down as it approached a 210 foot luxury yacht. On the bow he could make out the name of the ship, “Miguel Grau”. Frank smiled to himself and remembered the many stories his grandfather had told him of the great Peruvian Admiral Miguel Grau who fought and died during the 1800’s. At 6 feet and 200 pounds Frank could easily pass as a South American or European. Basically Frank was a mutt. He was not only of Peruvian heritage but also French, Scottish and Italian.

Maybe his small bit of Peruvian ancestry helped Frank get on as a crew member of the “Miguel Grau”. The ship’s owner Antonio Arinos was one of Peru’s leading businessmen and involved in most of Peru’s mining ventures. It was no secret to those who knew Arinos that he was ruthless and had a total dislike for anything Asian. His dislike stemmed from the disappearance and subsequent bullet-ridden death of Arinos’ father, who was a key member of the Fredemo Party during Alberto Fujimori’s presidency.

As the water taxi pulled up to the ship’s landing, Frank grabbed his duffel bag and launched himself aboard. Two imposing figures led Frank inside to a luxurious and spacious salon where two men were having a conversation.
Frank waited at the far end of the salon as he watched one of the men stand up, shake hands with the other man, and walk out a door at the far end. Frank was led to the remaining man.

[jiminski]

ENTRY 3

The following morning, Dimitri Balinova emerged from the shower in suite 1211 of the Dorchester Hotel. Walking out of the bathroom he flicked a playful towel across the shapely buttocks of the blonde he had picked up the night before.

“You have to be leaving me soon my darling” said Dimitri pausing to kiss her shoulder and admire his bronzed torso in the mirror where she was bending forward to apply her make up.

“Busy, busy, busy day today!” he whispered in her ear.” But it’s been fun, and maybe we will do it again.”

“Oh when will that be then?” said the girl putting on an earring.

Dimitri shrugged, his attention diverted to the news broadcast on the TV screen. “You have a number I can reach you on?”

“Better still” said the girl slipping on a short tight fitting skirt that Dimitri was determined to have no one witness emerging from his suite, “why don’t I call you?”

“Kathy…it is Kathy isn’t it? I could give you my number but then I’d have to shoot you”.

In anything other than a Russian accent this would have been laughed off as a clichéd bit of horse play, but with Dimitri’s coal black eyes and spy thriller delivery you couldn’t be so sure.

“I’m joking” he said lightening the mood. “I’d love to, but unfortunately my company does not permit me to give this number out – I’m sure you understand.”

He looked genuinely pained at his inability to hand over this vital piece of information.

She took the bait, and she took the £1500, and after careful inspection of the corridor, she took the lift down to the lobby with one last patronising pat on her bottom from Dimitri as she left.

Dimitri shut the door, opened the wardrobe and withdrew a tie rack groaning with sartorial choice. He picked three from the rack and held them up against his shirt in the mirror.

Selecting one, he sat down on the bed and opened his widescreen laptop, switching to a live feed, he lit a cigarette and waited.

A few minutes of a dull, stationary room view followed. There was a knock at the door of the adjoining suite. A tall distinguished looking man in his mid forties came up close on the screen. He looked vaguely like one of those celebrities that you can’t quite place. The kind that drives you nuts for hours afterwards.

He would have been a typical handsome blonde surfer dude in an earlier life, but his hair was turning white from too much California sun, and the crows feet were digging in their claws around his fathomless blue eyes. However, the perma-tan was deep just as the model books had shown.

“Hi Mr..?”

“Dymock –Geoffrey Dymock” said Balinova’s flunky.

“My name’s Lyle..Lyle Catchcart” said the ageing surfer extending a muscular tanned hand.

Ignoring the hand, Dymock asked "The position secure?"

"Of course" responded Lyle nonchanlently.

[jiminski]

ENTRY 4

‘She, sir,’ said Dymock. ‘It’s all been taken care of.’

**************************
‘Who shall we be today, today, who shall we beeeee today…’
Constanza Mille-Fleur Rococo tried to stand on her tip-toes to peer out of the French windows at the glorious autumn morning, but the mattress was too soft and she teetered backwards. Giggling, she planted a hand on the bedstead and flicked her legs up and over the dead body lying next to her, flashing a heart-stoppingly perfect bottom and a pair of white panties to any telescope-wielding gentleman lucky enough to live in the buildings across the park.
‘That’s for you, boys,’ she growled huskily, before laughing again and collapsing in a gangly heap next to the bed. Beneath it was a large suitcase, blocked by a fat, lifeless arm hanging down from the mattress. Constanza tutted and sighed.
‘Now now silly, I told you to keep your hands to yourself.’ She tried to push the arm to one side, but it was as stiff as a pipe wrench. She rolled her eyes theatrically, placed one foot against the offending elbow, reached for the wrist and pulled it with a movement of sudden and violent strength. There was a crack.
‘Bang!’
Constanza placed the now dangling limb next to its body on the mattress, gave it an affectionate little pat, pulled the suitcase towards her and opened it. Humming happily, a quizzical finger at the side of her mouth, she drew from it a viciously bobbed black wig, a pair of enormous sunglasses and a beige raincoat.
‘Natalia!’ she squealed. ‘It’s been too, too long!’ She clutched the wig to her chest and hugged it. A phone in the suitcase began to ring. She flicked it open and glowered.
‘Da,’ she growled.
‘Bucephalus – its Dymock. You need to be in Mexico in five hours. As arranged.’
‘Who? You hev wrong number.’
Dymock sighed. ‘Angelina?’
Silence.
‘Natalia…’
‘Da.’
‘Natalia, stop fooling around and get down to Acapulco immediately. You know what to do.’
‘Go loco?’
Click.
Constanza dressed quickly, pulled on her wig, closed the case and took a last look towards the bed.
‘Bye bye,’ she cooed. The door closed behind her. She had a plane to catch.

[jiminski]

come on you lazy muses! 4 is a very poor showing, even if they are so bloody good!

and i want some sex and violence please!

[jiminski]

ENTRY 5

She slinked into the hotel bedroom clothed only with perfect tits, a shaven pussy and glistening dew from the shower-nozzle. It wasn’t much but it seemed to be catching his eye.
As she worked those hips, one foot in front of the other, drawing a line of attack from muff to mountain. She glanced dryly at the pyramid in the bed sheets.

“Hmmm it seems you started without me!”

He had no answer; he reached to the depths of himself for something cool and sexy. What the f*ck would James Bond say? He had nothing, nothing except the grey mist which befriends the outnumbered.

The air-conditioning hummed as it tweaked her damp nipple into action. Jesus Christ! Keep quiet boy, you are on fire!

“So what am I going to do to you!?” It wasn’t a question it was a threat.

Shh

“I know just what little boys don’t like..” she prowled to her overnight bag and pulled out her weapon. The mans eyes widened, his jaw lowered, his rectum tightened.

“Now role-over bitch! Let’s make a man of you!”

A good f*ck always relaxed her before a difficult job!

[jiminski]

VOTE THREAD


ok i left it open for a couple of extra days to see if we can get some more entries .. we got one more so it was worthwhile.

I think it was slow this week due to a number of possibilities: the forum shut down and resulting delay; anonymity; the length of some of the entries.


I would like to hear thoughts on these things. I think the forum shut-down is fairly clear-cut. Has the anonymity and the fact that people are not bumping the thread with their entries had a negative effect? Has it reduced the buzz of the process a little?

Also some of the entries are over 500 words now, has this dissuaded people from putting pen to paper due to it seeming more of a labour to enter? or is this not a factor at all and longer entries should be allowed?


Are we already bored of this as a concept? Any other thoughts welcome too please.

[PLAYER57832]

I like the concept, but the delay has rather distracted me to other things right now.

Also, I personally, prefer other genre ... but that means nothing (seriously!!!!), the fun part is that it can go any direction.

I DO like the idea of anonymous entries, but after a submission or two, the writer is probably obvious. Everyone has their own style and you can pretty well tell.

One twist I might like to see is to specify a genre ... and perhaps even vary it to get some really wild ideas. (for example: detective to Western, to sci fi to romance ...etc.). But that would be another thread entirely. Also, I would set parametersabout the sex/violance issue. I am not saying what those limits should be, if any, just that it should be defined in advance.,.. even if just to say must be suitable for the general forum threads.

[jiminski]

I like the concept, but the delay has rather distracted me to other things right now.

Also, I personally, prefer other genre ... but that means nothing (seriously!!!!), the fun part is that it can go any direction.

I DO like the idea of anonymous entries, but after a submission or two, the writer is probably obvious. Everyone has their own style and you can pretty well tell.

One twist I might like to see is to specify a genre ... and perhaps even vary it to get some really wild ideas. (for example: detective to Western, to sci fi to romance ...etc.). But that would be another thread entirely. Also, I would set parametersabout the sex/violance issue. I am not saying what those limits should be, if any, just that it should be defined in advance.,.. even if just to say must be suitable for the general forum threads.

Thank you Player .. yes i think the Forum shut-down and prolonged delay was a shame.

Regarding sex and violence; i would rather not set parameters on that. If the punters do not vote for it it will swiftly self-right. Besides, unless it has a modicum of lyrical deftness it will not be successful.

I agree that it is probably quite easy to see who wrote what.
i know, so i can not guess, but who do you think wrote the 5 entries ?

[The1exile]

I also like the idea, and do hope it keeps going - 5 entries this week is hardly that thin on the ground, in any case.

[jiminski]

I also like the idea, and do hope it keeps going - 5 entries this week is hardly that thin on the ground, in any case.

I agree Ex, 5 is still very good.

It is less than 50% of the previous number of passages though. There were a couple of changes made directly before this entry so i was just trying to determine cause and effect.

Was the reduction due to:
-Anonymity
-Increased Passage length
-Apathy
Or are the changes/evolution of the rules correct and it is just the Forum-down and delay which is the cause?

just trying to make sure we are husbanding the concept correctly is all.

[heavycola]

I also like the idea, and do hope it keeps going - 5 entries this week is hardly that thin on the ground, in any case.

I agree Ex, 5 is still very good.

It is less than 50% of the previous number of passages though. There were a couple of changes made directly before this entry so i was just trying to determine cause and effect.

Was the reduction due to:
-Anonymity
-Increased Passage length
-Apathy
Or are the changes/evolution of the rules correct and it is just the Forum-down and delay which is the cause?

just trying to make sure we are husbanding the concept correctly is all.

My tuppence hap'north;
Maybe a shorter word limit would a) encourage more contributors and b) encourage readers... the anonymity is a great idea though.
Also - i liked player90210's idea about changing genres...
At the moment, the genre and to an extent the style have been dictated by fruitcake's excellent start. if writers had to suddenly switch into farce, or detective noir, or mills and boon, or whatever, i think it would tickle the creative glands of a lot more people. Plus, the best creative work is often done within tight constraints!
What does everyone else think?

[jiminski]

Yes I think i will limit Entry to 360 words. That should be enough to give writers a chance to explore the scene without isolating readers or other potential writers.



As to Genre changes .. hmm i am not sure yet. With honesty i think people are free to change genre within the context of the existing format. We just need to push imagination and not be locked into the style or charter of the previous passages.

I am just concerned if we say 'ok guys this week is a Western!' that it becomes a little farcical.. like an episode of who's line is it anyway moving from Mickey Spillane to Charles Dickens to a Carlsberg advert.

Anyway what are others thoughts .. i may be convincible but i am not with it yet.

[mandyb]

The word limit is a good idea for sure - I think overly lengthy passages put people off both entering and voting.

I like the idea of introducing some kind of required element to the story - perhaps an enforced change of genre may be too radical, but a gentle push in a different direction could work and may help those that may be lacking inspiration, i.e. me.
For fun you could have a required word or phrase that needs to be worked in to the story somehow.

I don't think content should be limited in any way - people should be free to express themselves however they choose.

I wonder if you could sticky the whole story at the top of the games page? It would be great to have the whole thing together and be able to read it in it's entirety without having to look for the passages separately and without the interruption of other posts.

I know it's early yet, but we may also have to think about how long the story is going to be. If we have a rough estimate of how many passages there are to completion of the story, it could help keep things moving along at a sprightly pace and keep interest high.

And thinking about it, I doubt the anonymity thing has put people off, I imagine it's more a general, and hopefully temporary, forum apathy.

p.s. some great entries this week - if I were prone to blushing, which I'm not, that last one would've had me looking like a beetroot! Looking forward to finding out the true author's identity...have my suspicions, but could be 2 or 3 people really.
Wonder if it's autobiographical in any way...

[jiminski]

I am still not convinced about this addition of guidelines or theme direction.

I appreciate that it may help break writers-block and i welcome that but i also think that it limits the imagination and the natural evolution of the tale (that is the least of my concern however)
Though it would of course be great fun to all be involved in directly sculpting each limb of the narrative.

This thread is in fact the watered-down version of a website i came up with a few years back .. hehe well a mate made it for me but i faltered at the very first hurdle, resigning myself to other things.

The reason i mention it, is that i 'designed' a web-site with multiple, separate genre stories running in parallel. And within each story: a system of voting to introduce new characters, plot twists, general plot direction. (truly democratic publishing )

Due to the way this thread has developed i am not so sure, within the confines of the sites technology, that it is practical. (The Polls are not changeable within one thread, so i will need to make a new thread for each vote.) We would need a period of consultation followed by voting on the details of the story, followed by the main vote on whose entry wins. I just think it could slow up the process. No? am i alone in thinking that?

I am still very happy to be persuaded but i genuinely feel that it is up to the various authors to drag the story in alternative directions and then the vote to decide if they are the correct ones.

Again, i could well be entirely wrong! How do you/we see pre-determined plot direction working?

[jiminski]

VOTE THREAD